Territory

I am expanding the businesses borders….

I know have an Etsy shop! And I am aware that the link is tenuous but I thought it had to be done. And I have just spent 6 hours setting it up so I want to sing about it from the rafters!

I have copies of the signed books, because I am aware that some can’t make the little local book fairs I do to get a copy, and my colouring books. I also got a selection of cards up. So go have a nose and let me know what you think.

Just click on the blue eye!

jimmy cover 2.

Inspired by the daily prompt – territory

Symptom

I guess lately I have been feeling a little depressed. Really this is just a symptom of what has been going on in my life. Last year ended on a low. Mind you I have yet to find someone who loved 2016…

Mine was tough and every now and then I get a little down. For me it is a crushing low that leaves me distant and unable to connect. I have a feeling that others would shake it off but I don’t normally get depressed. So when it happens it can really takes me by surprise. It shouldn’t, but it always does.

But this week I saw my counsellor (yes I am seeing one and yes they do help) and she said, “That’s okay. It’s allowed.”

That stumped me. Surely I ought to be happy and cheerful all the time. Surely I ought to not let people know when I cry?

The answer was that I can be sad. It is normal. It is a symptom of me getting better. And I am. My sadness isn’t something all consuming. I can still laugh and have fun with my family and friends. That underlying river of sadness is still there, but it isn’t ruling my life. It is something that I can jump over sometimes.

Sure there are times when I cry and become maudlin, but there are times when I am happy. A really close friend said to me the other day :

“You have to feel the lows so that you can experience the highs.”

I think he was right. I think that I agree with him. Sadness is a symptom, but it isn’t the problem. It comes and goes like a tide. All I got to do is sit on the beach and wait for it to go out. Because it will. As surely as the sun will shine.

Inspired by the daily prompt: Symptom.

Label

What’s in a label?

Am I an artist or a writer or an illustrator?

What am I?

Does it even matter?

Should I be more confining in what I do so that I can become just one thing?

I’m anglo indian,

but I’m not.

I’m a writer,

but also an artist,

and an illustrator.

I am all of them.

I am Kate.

That is my label, not some construct.

I don’t fit any label.

I’m dyslexic,

but it doesn’t define me.

I’m aspergic,

but that doesn’t stop me.

I’m dyspraxic,

but all it does is stop me ice skating.

I’m all these, they make me who I am

But they do not label me.

I am Kate.

Inspired by the daily prompt – labels

Instinct

Do you rely on them? I have in the past. I’ve even lost friends over them when my instinct has come so close to truth that they have become frightened I was some kind of psychic…

I’m not.

I just rely on instinct.

If someone has been angry all week and you have a meeting with them there is always the chance that they will be angry at the meeting. So if you tell people ‘they will be angry’ it can look like you are seeing into the future. You’re not, you are just acting on instinct.

I am terrible at body language and the result is that I people watch. I examine how people react. And I have got better. I can now understand who is happy to see me and who really isn’t. I can tell those who are being polite and those who find me interesting.

I don’t get it right all the time but when I do I can’t help but give an internal smile. The Aspergers has meant that people are something I don’t understand. I mean I know I ought to. I’m a person as well, but it is difficult. The body language cipher was missing from my make up. I’ve had to teach myself.

I’ve taught myself to meet people’s eyes. To mirror emotions so it looks like you get it. To smile and be happy and to be caring when people are down.

One thing I can’t do is anger and violence. I have only shown that trait a few times and every time I was protecting someone else. My instinct was to step in the way. And on both occasions the problems stopped. I think because they were shocked that a short, over-weight Asian lady just stepped into their path. It was instinct and in both cases I was lucky. But I run a lot of my life relying on instinct.

My brain will pick up signals and angles and jump to conclusions that I then use them to act on instinct. Sometimes that can make me seem like some Marvel character, but mostly people look at me as if I’m a loon. But that weirdness is what makes me … me.

I won’t change.

Can’t handle my instincts?

Then jog on because they are going to keep coming.

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Inspired by the daily prompt – instinct.

Record

I love music… In fact it is a huge part of my everyday life. I even have playlists that remind me of people. They may not be what the people listen to but they are what I think they are like.

Sometimes I think I ought to put a playlist together from peoples preference…. What they listen to. Because I know that people would be mortified at my choices. But they remind me of them.

Maybe I just ought to keep the playlists secret and not let anyone see.

Inspired by the daily prompt – record.

Nervous

I get nervous all the time. It happens as I sit in my workshop or out when I’m walking, shopping or being with friends.

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing that has changed except I have friends. Five years ago I would have been hard pushed to name five, now they are everywhere and I am hard pushed to give them all enough time. Yet I find that with my increased social network I worry about how I behave.

It has very little to do with them and a lot to do with me.

I’m going through a difficult patch personally. Most of the time I’m fine but every now and then I am hit with nervousness and fear that I’m doing it all wrong. It’s all in my head. It’s moment were my aspergers raises its ugly head and looks around.

You see I view my mental disabilities almost like pets. My aspergers is fairly cat like, she coils around my ankles most of the time making me aware she is there, but sometimes she jumps on my shoulder and hisses in my ear letting me know her presence is something I have to deal with. My dyslexia is a small dog, sometimes he is behind me, simply snuffling, but every now and then he will run ahead and I am left running after him, trying to pick up the pieces. My dyspraxia is a snake, which is odd as I don’t like snakes, but she sits across my shoulders, she is balanced and most of the time quiet. But sometimes one of her coil loses purchase and lands at my feet. Then I trip.

They are my pets, and I live with them all the time. They make me who I am and they take a lot of my time. I have to work at making them quiet and if I don’t they all get loud and attention seeking. Then I can’t function properly. I withdraw.

Friends have said I become aloof and I guess I agree. I can no longer be part of where I am. I can only observe. It happens with my writing and my art. I pull back. Become an observer only.

Except lately it hasn’t.

Lately I feel everything.

My life has gone from being structured and black and white to full of colour. It is chaos. And it is difficult. It makes me nervous that I will say or do something wrong. It worries me that I can’t withdraw. I can’t sit and just watch.

It makes me nervous.

But it is so good at the same time. Would I want to go back to the black and white life? No, not on your life.

I love living in full colour. I just got to live with the chaos that comes with it. And perhaps rather than leashing my pets so tight, I let them play. But I watch them to make sure they don’t take me over. I do have aspergers, dyslexia and dyspraxia. Why would I want to hide them? They make me who I am, warts and all.

Inspired by the daily prompt – nervous