I try to be. Everyday I try to be there for people. Even if it means I don’t get what I need to get done. Even when I have a character paused just as they are about to dodge a bullet, or not, I will be there.
I don’t have a lot of money but I try to be generous with time and deeds.
I’m the person who will walk past someone homeless and get them coffee and breakfast. Although the last time I did that it turned out the guy was vegetarian and the food I got him had meat in. He enjoyed the coffee though. I gave him the cash to replace it with a vegetable option.
I talk to anyone and there are times when I have stayed in a relationship that was not good for me because it would damage the other person too much to leave right at that moment.
My mum says I’m too good. But the other day I was invited away. I decided to go but I have been having issues with the travel. The person in question lives 200 miles away.
“I’ll come get you,” he said.
So next month I am going away for a long weekend because someone is willing to drive 200 miles to meet me. I questioned whether I was worth it. I considered saying I was busy but I didn’t. Because I looked back and realised that it had been over a year since someone had asked me somewhere without an ulterior motive. I had even got asked to go to Birmingham by a boyfriend, only to find that I needed to do a lot of the driving. He couldn’t manage unless I did it. I had tendinitis in one leg and had he asked originally I would have said no – it hurt too bad. But he didn’t. It was sprung on me as I got to his house. Should I have been flattered that he thought we were that close he could just rely on me? Or should I have felt used?
I think you can guess which feeling I got out of it. I was left adrift. He didn’t even touch me the whole day. He spent more time with the friend I had gone with. But I couldn’t say anything. It would have hurt him too much then. Instead I ‘weaned’ him from my life.
And for that I am sorry. I was not very generous.
I try to be but sometimes I fall down. I have good intentions but there is a point where I have to say – no more. I have to laugh as well. I like to feel special. I don’t ask a lot from life and the people I am with. A little support, a hug maybe or even a thumbs up and a smile.That’s all.
But without them I am adrift and alone. And that is a bad place to be.
So next month someone is going to be so generous to me that I feel like they have made a mistake. I asked them. They haven’t. And I have found out one big truth. Generosity makes the world go around, but you have to give and take. Even if you feel uncomfortable in the taking, because without it you will burn out.