Confidence…

I find it odd how confidence wax and wane. It reminds me of the sea, sometimes the tide is in, and you bounce with laughter, while other times it is out, and you can barely drag yourself through the day.

For me these tides are affected by those around me, just like the moon dictates the sea, but my moon is everything I come into contact with. It can be a simple phrase that makes me smile or a look that can leave me alone and cold. Lately the tide has been out…

I remember being in university in Derby, I had a great time. In fact I’m still unsure as to how I passed that course, at least the first and second year. By the third I had knuckled down, but those first two years were full of laughter and music. I loved it, but you know what, through all that time I was not the most beautiful of girls. In fact, I was fat with a capital F. I mean orca fat. I would have had to turn to get through a door. But it didn’t matter because I had confidence. I wore dresses that only just covered my butt, tights and boots that reached my thighs. I was loud, large and wonderful…

Then I came home and I looked in a mirror and I saw a fat girl. So I lost weight, and although I’m large still, I am a slender reed compared to what I was.

But lately my confidence has been knocked again. Let’s just say there was a guy involved and leave it at that. Now, normally I would plod on and wait for my life to quieten and then simply wait for my confidence to slowly increase.

And it would, but it could take ages.

So, this time, as I am about to go to Manchester for a massive art exhibition, I have decided to take matters in my own hands. I need to stand up to the scrutiny of a load of people and basically say – here I am, this is my art. Don’t like it? Then move on. 

Which is why I am sitting here with red hair… No, not just red. I mean RED. Not light red but 100% dark red. The kind of colour that doesn’t occur naturally. So no more grey… Instead, a really brilliant colour. I’m not sure if it will work but I feel better. I feel less grey…

As for the rest? Well, I’ve decided to not worry so much and just go with the flow.

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