Have you ever seen ‘The Sixth Sense’? Well, there is a party in it. This is how I used to feel as a child when I got the invites (not the ghost bit but the party). I’m sure that I was invited because the whole class was, and to leave me off would be too much like bullying. But once I was there, normally on the insistence of my Mum, it just wasn’t right. I didn’t feel good. I wanted to go home.
I felt like I was in a vulnerable position and just didn’t feel comfortable. Of course I was a child at the time so when Mum asked how it had gone I used to say that I hated it. Except that I realised one day that it hurt her every time I wasn’t able to integrate.
So eventually I stopped telling the truth and instead I lied.
“Oh yes, it was a great party. I really enjoyed it.”
And then when the invitations stopped, as people only invited those they wanted to, I no longer had to lie. It was refreshing and completely demoralising at the same time. I loved not going but I also wondered what was wrong with me because I hadn’t got an invite.
Now, looking back, I can see that it has coloured the way I see parties. Any party. Even New Years Eve is a trial for me. Something that I have to get through rather than enjoy. I hope one day to feel comfortable at a gathering, but so far I am still waiting.
This post was inspired by the daily prompt – it’s my party.